Calming down a little & telling Z.

Okay, sorry for going off the deep end in my previous post. I've calmed down a bit since writing it. I've done some research online and it seems that the test that was done (Herceptest) is notorious for false positives when a 2+ results is found. So the fact that a 1+ result was found the 2nd time is hopefully confirming that the first result was a false positive. I still think that further testing needs to be done, but I'm not quite so afraid of the results as I was before.

Also, we told Z. tonight about my cancer coming back. Her initial reaction was a little strange, she first looked a little startled and then said, "but it's not contagious, right?" (something that kids often think and that she learned during the kid's connection day at the Wellness Community was a cancer myth), which we confirmed for her. Then she started telling us funny stories that had nothing to do with anything. I let her go on for a while and then asked her to come give me a hug, that I needed a hug from her. She sat on my lap and hugged me and I asked her if she was okay about my news (or something like that I can't remember exactly what I said). She said that she would be more upset if it was her. I said, sure she would, but it wasn't her it was me. Then she said but we don't know for sure that you have it. I said yes, we did know for sure. She looked a little surprised and said oh. Then she wanted to find Calvin (the cat) and after a few more words from me she left. Later I went upstairs to her room and sat with her some more. I asked her if she was upset by my news, she said not "shatteringly" so, again saying that she would be more upset if it was her (is she classic textbook or what). I told her that she could talk to me about her feelings anytime and that she could tell me that she didn't know what her feelings were if that was how she felt. She said okay. Then we talked a little bit about remembering what it was like when I had radiation the last time, the tummy upsets and feeling tired. She said, well you don't do Dino Battles with me, Dad does, so it will be okay (Dino battles is a game that she and her daddy play most nights after dinner). So, she's also reacting pretty textbook there too, in that as long as her life is pretty normal she's okay.

So, we'll keep an eye on her of course, but I'm glad that at least initially she seems okay.