Saw the oncs

I saw both my med onc and my gyn onc this week and got further clarification on my ct-results. First we saw the med onc and A. and I were both a little perplexed as to why he and his fellow didn't seem all that excited. I asked both of them (at different times) "so this is good news, right?", which seemed like a silly and obvious question, but they just seemed kind of blase about it. After seeing the gyn onc today, who I knew would be completely straightforward with me (his good point and his bad point, he can be blunt at times) we both felt better and understood better. This isn't really my med oncs fault in that it took us a while after the appt. to know the right questions to ask to get the information we wanted.

Okay, so the bottom line, the tumor has not grown and is stable. This is what both drs. consider the good news. Neither of them were all that excited about the necrotic part, which is what was perplexing us. Necrotic tumor seems like a really good thing, right? Well it is, but it's just not the part that they put their faith in, they are happier that the tumor is staying stable. The tumor is not completely necrotic, it has some dead tissue in the center of it. Why? They don't know. Chemo kills dead cells so a tumor will shrink if it is working. Megace (a hormonal therapy) is mainly supposed to stabilize the tumor, it's not that it can't kill it, but that's not necessarily how it behaves. It deprives the tumor of the hormones that feed it, which can keep it from growing, or possibly kill it. The tumor will not shrink until it completely dies. This could happen, but this hasn't happened yet (and may not). It's possible that the dead tissue is from the radiation treatment I had last year, or it could be some unknown reason having nothing to do with treatment (the gyn onc didn't say that, he said it could be "whatever"). The fact that there is dead tissue in the center is a good thing, but we'll just have to see what it means in the future.

So, the future, that hasn't changed that much. I am still on a 3 month scan schedule, neither dr. wants to extend longer than that at least for now. So my life is still in three month blocks, continue taking the Megace, then have a scan and see if it's still working. As my gyn onc said today, we still have chemo as our backup (oh joy!).

It's hard living life in three month blocks. It's hard having oncologists looking at my life in three month blocks and being happy with that. But it's my reality, at least for now. These latest scan results restored some of my hope, which I will admit was taking a nosedive in the last three month period.

I am trying hard to deal with my other health problems. My blood sugars and my blood pressure have been going up this last month or so, not really sure why except maybe the stress and the increased pain (and ibuprofen) from my back/hip/thigh thing, which has been getting progressively worse in the last couple months. I started walking on my treadmill this week, something I haven't done in a few years. So far it hasn't made any difference in my readings and initially it made my back hurt worse, but I am hopeful that this will change soon. I've been doing 20 minute blocks, some days once a day, some days twice. I'm going fairly slow (mostly because of my back pain, as I walk and my back pain subsides a bit I increase the speed a little more and more but never walk in any real pain) but I figure something is a whole lot better than nothing. The next thing I really need to do is get into a daily stretching routine (more than the couple stretches I do before getting out of bed every morning). Give me time, exercise in any form does not come naturally (or happily) to me!

So on the way out of the gyn onc's office today he called out to me to "enjoy your summer" and then said "and relax!" I think that I've lived with so much uncertainty and anxiety for so long that I don't even realize that I'm tense a lot of the time. Little things clue me in, like being cranky and snappy at those closest to me, spending too much time on the computer, getting overwhelmed by a day with too many little things I have to do, wanting to eat too often (made worse by the fact that Megace makes you HUNGRY, but I have emotional eating issues anyway) etc. Nothing unusual, we all have our things. I have been neglecting the things that help me with this stuff, like meditation and yoga. The yoga went out the window when my back pain started, but there really no reason for me to have stopped the meditation except that like many people, it's hard to keep a practice like that up without a concerted effort. I should probably make more of an effort.

My sleep has also been disturbed by my back/hip/thigh pain. Some nights it keeps me up, some mornings it wakes me up too early. I am a side sleeper who always liked to flip back and forth between sides and I can't sleep on my right side (the pain side) at all (can't even stay there for more than a few seconds). When it's hurting, laying on the left side is also painful (not the part next to the bed, but the part that normally hurts, it's like a throbbing gravity thing), so I end up on my back, which causes me to sleep lightly and wake up a lot (and some nights that is also a painful position). I have a great bed, believe me, but it's been difficult not being able to find a really comfortable resting position (either in bed, on the couch or wherever). That definitely makes it hard to relax! I have always loved the exquisite feeling of sleeping late, and there are some mornings each week when I could do it, but it rarely happens anymore unless I've taken something like benadryl or a muscle relaxant and those don't allow for a really restful sleep (for me anyway). Last night I had a rare almost pain free night, so of course I had to get up with the alarm at 6:45am this morning (and the pain came back as soon as I got out of bed, grrr).

So, definitely some challenges these days. But lots of good things too. Z.'s been very happy at zoo camp this week (she says she wants to be a zoologist, although she's not exactly sure what that entails so I suggested she ask the counselors to tell her about it). She comes home every day with all kinds of facts and stories about the animals they saw that day and the various "behind the scenes" tours they get. Yesterday she told us about the panic rope that is behind the scenes in the reptile house in case "anyone is stupid enough" to get bit by a snake. She said (thankfully) it has never had to be used, but they test it regularly to make sure it works. And the weather has been great the last few days (after the intense early June heatwave we had) so we've had the windows open and are comfortable. Now if it never got hotter than this I'd be happy :-)) The clematis, hydrangeas and lilies are blooming in our yard and the tomato plants have flowers. There are a few green beans growing in our Aerogrow (not quite enough for even one person to eat yet, but it's still exciting!)

So the plan is to enjoy the summer (after all it's doctor's orders!). My next scan won't be until mid/late September so there's no need to think about that anytime soon. I think the good news can finally sink in now, I'd been kind of waiting till I heard what the oncs had to say about it all (especially the 2nd onc, as the first one had us feeling a little unsettled). This has turned into a long post and every time I think I'm about to end it I start something else. So I'm just going to stop now :-)