Losing Joyce

I mentioned in a previous post that a friend of mine was in hospice and in her last days. She died on Sunday (Z.'s birthday) after moving into the hospice house on Friday evening. The last time I saw her was a couple of weeks before she died and my last contact with her was through a couple of emails a few days before she died where we talked a bit about what our friendship meant to each one another. I was very lucky to have gotten to know Joyce and felt honored that she allowed me get close to her in the months before her death.

I met Joyce in our cancer support group, she did not live in this area but was staying with her brother here. Initially she came here to get better medical care for her aggressive cancer and ended up deciding that this is where she wanted to be for her last days. I happened to run into her brother in the hospital when I was getting radiation earlier this year. We used to be neighbors years ago but I hadn't seen him for a long time so I stopped to ask him if he was indeed who I thought he was. He told me about his sister (and introduced me to her husband, Joyce was in a room with a dr. so I didn't meet her then) and I told them about the Wellness Community. A few weeks later I went to my weekly support group and there she is (and there are other weekly groups, so it was another synchronous event that she ended up in mine).

Joyce knew she was dying when she joined the group, it was just a matter of time. She was able to speak frankly about the things she faced and she was also able to shed tears with us. She had a remarkable determination and spirit that touched all of us. Joyce and I also connected through art (she had run an art gallery and went to Open Studio recently, that's one of her drawings above) and being mothers with cancer (her kids are college age). She told me numerous times that our kids were what was really important in life, that they are our real legacy not the other things we've done in our lives that seem so important at the time. Sometimes Joyce had a hard time putting all the words together to say what she wanted to say, yet at the same time she was very direct and had no problems saying exactly what she thought and felt.

As I got closer and closer to Joyce I tried not to think too hard about the fact that I was getting closer and closer to someone who was not going to be around much longer. I did my best to stay in the moment of our friendship and live it day by day. In the last few weeks when it became apparent to me and to her that the end was nearing it brought up a lot of emotions that I had not been facing. Besides the obvious pain of losing her there were things like memories of losing my sister to cancer a few years ago, my concerns for my own health and life, thoughts of how my death would affect my own family, how she and her family must be feeling, etc. etc. My back started hurting and the pain brought me right back to last fall and winter when I had back pain symptoms that eventually led to my recurrence diagnosis. Interestingly, after visiting with her family the night of the funeral I noticed my back relaxing a bit and while there's still some pain (as I often have) it's definitely lessened.

I will definitely miss Joyce, she has touched my life in many ways. I hate this damn disease and am angry that it took yet another good person way too soon. I hope that if cancer takes my life that I can live my last few months as well as she did.

Peace.