Double Digits

Z. turned 10 today. It's been 10 years since she was born 11 weeks prematurely and almost 9 years since I was diagnosed with my first cancer. I'm still here and so is she. I'm happy to be here, happy to be with her as she grows up, but sad too as it all goes by so fast. She's in that time where she's getting more and more independent and grown up, yet still needs me, even if she would argue that she doesn't.

She's a tomboy who loves Pokemon and hates to brush her hair. She has been wearing shorts since April regardless of what the temperature is outside. She hates girly things yet picked out a beautiful flowery dress and white strap sandals for her uncle's wedding this summer. She has mostly boys as friends except for a girlfriend who is a lot like she is. She's still a little girl yet she's definitely hit full fledged puberty this spring. She is struggling to find her way in this maze of childhood moving into adolescence that her body has thrust upon her so early.

I am struggling too, trying to parent this moody, passionate, creative, energetic, difficult, happy child and at the same time dealing with my health issues. I mostly try to stay in the present but there are times when I am fearful and sad about what may lay ahead for her or so overwhelmed by my own situation that I can't really give her what she needs from me at a particular moment. Mommy guilt. No one can rationalize that away from a mother, it's just something we all feel at times and are often stuck with.

So Happy 10th birthday my sweet girl! I hope that we have the time to go through the difficulties that mothers and daughters go through as they grow up and that we have the time to get through it to the other side where friendship (or at least tolerance!) is reached. I love you.