Yesterday was an interesting mix of cancer experiences. Late morning I had my gynecological oncologist check up. He was a tad less brusque than usual, actually taking the time to sit down and talk for a few minutes both before and after the exam, but mostly to just go over where I was at that point. So he says something about how I had seen the medical oncologists and they said to wait for "when" it (the cancer) comes back to do chemo. He repeats this a couple times. Now both med oncologists I saw said "when and if" it comes back and one of them at least described the recurrence as being local. A. says he remembers the nurse at Fox Chase reading my chart and saying that the rad onc's notes described the treatment as being curative. Anyway, I let it go.
Then after the exam he starts going over the treatment I have had (from the beginning, the surgery, rad, chemo and the latest rad) and is writing notes and mentions the "when it comes back" thing again. So I pipe up and say something about how I prefer to think positively and that I have faced tough situations before (referring to my 1st cancer 9 years ago from which I had a 5 to 15% chance of surviving 5 years and which has never come back) and he says, while looking down at his papers, "we can be hopeful". Gee thanks, you're just exuding hopefulness aren't you! Honestly, it has no bearing on my feelings, I am living with the "when and if" scenario, not the "when" and in a state I call blissful ignorance (since I don't know for sure at this point whether or not I have active cancer since I haven't had a scan yet). His attitude doesn't negate that, it's more of a head shaker thing for me. So anyway, he says get a PET/CT scan (assuming the insurance company will pay for it) at least 4 months from the end of treatment. I'm due to see the rad onc around that time sometime so he said to let the rac onc write the script. I'm not sure when I'll see the rad onc actually since I just got a letter that my end of July appt. has to be rescheduled but I have decided that I am not going to have the scan until after our August trip to NM. After getting my bad PET/CT results while in the middle of our Disney trip last December I am not going to put ourselves in that position again. The scan and the results can wait till we get back.
So after I leave there I drove out to the burbs to have high tea with Lynn Redgrave. She is a breast cancer survivor, diagnosed in December 2002 and was getting an honor at the Wellness Community's big fundraiser that evening. That afternoon there was a really lovely event for the support group participants of the Wellness Community (most of whom would not be attending the $500 per ticket gala event that night). It was at a great old movie theater where we first saw her film Georgy Girl and then went upstairs to have high tea and meet her. It took me about an hour to drive out there so I came in about a half hour or so after the movie started. I walked into the theater and it was pitch black and I couldn't see the seats. I stood there for a few minutes hoping my eyes would adjust so I could see something, anything, but they didn't much. Finally I got brave enough to walk towards the screen and when I got closer I was able to finally see the seats well enough to plop myself down in one.
The movie was so much fun, I don't think I had ever seen it before but I did remember the song pretty well from when I was a kid (it came out when I was about Z.'s age). James Mason, Alan Bates and Charlotte Rampling were all in it also. When Lynn Redgrave addressed us as a group at the tea she told us how at the time the movie was made (it came out in 1966) it was considered extremely immoral and that the shot of Alan Bates' bare behind (which unfortunately I missed by being late) was enough for it to be originally rated X in the UK. Then there was a lot of brouhaha about how the Catholics were going to ban the movie, which the movie people were all excited about as it meant more people would actually go see the movie. Then it ended up that it won some type of Catholic prize (something to do with the fact that Georgy does what's best for the baby).
Later on she came over and spent a fair amount of time informally speaking to some of us at our end of our table (there were three women from one support group and 5 of us from our support group sitting at our end) while the rest of the people there were getting their food. We lucked out because we were the first table to be asked to get up and get our food so we were all sitting down when she wandered over. She was very nice, answered questions and talked more about the movie, the actors, etc. and also about being a cancer survivor, asking each of us what type of cancer we had. She had us hysterical with stories of her grandchildren being silly and playing with her prosthesis.
When we left we were given a copy of her book Journal: A Mother and Daughter's Recovery from Breast Cancer (you can view many of the pages and photos from the book at this link). Her daughter Annabel Clark photographed her from diagnosis through that first year while Lynn wrote the text (journal entries) that accompany the photographs. It is a beautiful and powerful book (from what I have seen, I have looked through the whole book but haven't read all of the entries yet) with nothing held back, at least in terms of the photographs which I think are pretty gutsy, even for an actress (who while they might be used to being in front of the camera are not usually exposing their real selves quite so intimately). As a photographer, I think the images are wonderful. As a fellow cancer survivor the book talks to me in that, yes I've been there too, sort of way. As a mother (and a daughter) it touches me to see the closeness of their relationship, that each of them was able to allow that level of intimacy during her illness and treatment.
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Ramblings on being a mom, cancer survivor, artist, etc.
